Grief and Hope

Those who have felt the black pit that threatens to swallow your mind understand the verses from Psalm 69:1-3

Save me, O God!

For the waters have come up to my neck.

I sink in deep mire,

where there is no foothold;

I have come into deep waters,

and the flood sweeps over me.

I am weary with my crying out;

my throat is parched.

My eyes grow dim

with waiting for my God.

Three years ago last January I lost my 12 year-old-boy Benjamin to sepsis. That sentence is hard to write. I still have trouble understanding and coping with the magnitude of losing that blessing. The verses above do bring some comfort in knowing that others have experienced this same feeling.

As a Christian I am also drawn to Romans 8:28 "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." and then I have to ask how does the death of my son Ben work for good? I am definitely called to his purpose and I love God. Can anyone tell me that my son's death was good? Can I tell myself that? I understand that there is a taint on this world caused by sin and God is in control, but watching my family suffer and struggling with that black pit makes this hard to understand.

I miss my son.

It always comes down to one thing. Do I trust what the Bible says or not? This life is a mist (vanishes quickly) and then eternity with God. When I tell my kids that this world is temporary, do I believe it? Do I really believe that Ben's death is of this world and the next world is the one I really should be concerned about? I do. I also believe that God is in control and I want His will to be done.

The problem is that this world is the only one I am familiar with.

Facing something that is insurmountable in this world puts my faith on the line. There is no comfortable debate between friends or a challenging sermon, my son is gone and I have to decide if I am going to to take God's view of the world or man's view about it. Truth is I made this decision long ago. When the storms of Ben's passing came, my house was not on sand. Some roofing needed repair and shutters replaced (with God's help I'm still working on those) but my life is based on God and His Word. As it says in 1 Thessalonians 4:13 I do not grieve as though I have no hope. When Christ comes back the dead are raised, and as it goes on to say in verse 17 we will always be with the Lord after that time.

When I get stuck and don't know what to pray Romans 8 helps me in verses 26-27, "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." When it feels like the "flood is sweeping over me" I have to give it to the Spirit to intercede for me, there is nothing else.

The Bible doesn't teach us not to grieve because of the hope. In fact, it shows people grieving in different ways: David, Job, and Jacob are the examples that come to mind. Sin is in the world and it causes us pain and heartache. John 16 teaches that our sorrow will be turned to joy when we are with Jesus/Yeshua. We will have sorrow now, but have joy to look forward to in eternity.

I must always be mindful that the creator of everything loves me, and he has a plan that is about eternity. What is it that really matters? Eternity. The best thing about that is I have a God that is working everything, EVERYTHING, for good for those who love him. The more I make my life about God's plan the more the hardship in this world makes sense.