Settling Disagreements

What to do when it seems like your family is not communicating.

Husbands and wives fighting or not even talking. Sullen and argumentative teenagers. This is not how a Christian household is supposed to exist! A lot of times the advice is "Stop fighting" or "don't take it personal" and is left kind of up in the air. This attitude, and the reason it feels so bad, is a sinful reaction to whatever is the issue. The sinful reaction needs to be replaced with a righteous one. Recognizing this as sin, asking for forgiveness, and change is the process of becoming more Christ-like.

Ephesians 4:17-32

"Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

In biblical (nouthetic) counseling there is a strategy used to help couples/families to communicate with each other called the conference table (this is widely used in Nouthetic Counseling, Jay E. Adams gets the credit for it and is directly quoted from his book The Christian Counselor's Manual). The conference table is a practical way of practicing Ephesians 4:17-32. If all members of those needing to learn how to communicate know God, and want to please Him, this has been reported to have great success to "not walk as the Gentiles do." When I am actively counseling I plan on using this as part of the assignments in the counseling process. I hope you find this useful.

You can find the conference table guidelines from the Institute for Biblical Counselling and discipleship IBCD.org to download, print out, or view. This replaces the fighting with biblical principles.

I have read examples of this used daily, because there was a lot of fighting, and two or three times a week because people have busy schedules. Disagreements and irritations are then held for the conference table where they can be discussed instead of argued about. There is repentance, forgiveness, a plan for what can happen in the future, and the family becomes blessed.

A table not normally used (like a card table) is designated the conference table. Having something that needs to be set up can also help if emotions are high to help give some time for things to calm down. Bibles need to be present and used. When making a point there needs to be biblical support for your point of view.

The person to first talk needs to confess sins they feel they have done wrong. Ask for forgiveness (other parties need to forgive) and then ask for help on ideas for change. "I'm sorry" is only part of it, asking for forgiveness means that you will make it up to the person, and they other person actually forgiving you means they will not hold it against you now or in the future. This is not a time to attack another person, but to look at personal reactions. If a family member has wronged you and you act out, there is no excuse for the other person's behavior, but you having a sinful reaction means you need forgiveness too and it needs to be addressed.

If you have specific questions or any kind of feedback on how this works please don't hesitate to contact us at endofthematterministries@gmail.com

When Christian families are fighting or having difficulties with each other, sin has entered in some way. It doesn't have to be intentional sin either, but the kicker is with Christ it can get better. The price for sin has been paid, so things can get better. The Holy Spirit has life changing power, and the sinful habits we have learned (like the way we react to something in anger or ridicule) can be replaced with biblical ones. Put off the old self and put on the new. The conference table will help you recognize those sinful behaviors that you have become callous about. These behaviors cause strife, and what may seem like an impossible situation can change with the help from God.