Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child? Child Abuse!!

Proverbs 13:24, "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him."

I can see this boy's thoughts as he reads these words: "It says WHAT?!?"

I'm going to state this bluntly: Anyone that chooses to overlook bad behavior loves themselves more than they love their child. Wanting your child to like you does not teach them proper behavior. More than that, they need to understand what it is to submit to authority if they are going to learn to submit to God's authority. Proverbs 22:6 says, "Give instruction to a youth about his way, Even when he is old he turneth not from it" (YLT). I used Young's Literal Translation because it hits what this verse is about, whatever instruction you give your child about their behavior, that is what he/she will follow as an adult. We are all born with a sinful nature, so your child's default setting is to sin.

With little people, following God's ways means providing opportunities to train them. Deuteronomy 6:4-8 states "Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." This is making God's word the focus of your home. As later verses state we are to fear God, serve God, and not forget what he has done for us. As a parent this is your primary duty.

If you let the young ones run over you, disobey without consequences, tell you "no," or shoo you away, then you are not teaching your children what they need to learn. You are loving yourself in that you don't want your child to think poorly of you or that it takes too much effort. When you are in church, or at a friends house, does your child obey or do what the he/she wants? Do you buy something as a reward or out of a child's demand almost every time you go to the store? How many "warnings" does your child get? Who really is in charge? Are you able to go to a friend's house without your children seeming like they are burdens? Do you have to "hope" your child obeys when you are getting ready to go somewhere? As parents we don't want to mess up, but asking for and accepting help feels like it makes us bad parents. Why? Pride. Your child will learn something, whether to love themselves or to love God.

Use home time to practice behavior. If you don't mind your child climbing all over your furniture, or don't have the energy to care, that is up to you. However, this is something you don't want them to do at another person's house, so you need to train them at home. For example, have a shelf that is a "no touch" shelf. Put things on it you know their little sinful natures want to touch with all that is in them, that way you can correct behavior immediately.

You are teaching your child to be able to recognize trial by fire when they get older, when correction from their Heavenly Father is needed. This is teaching God's words diligently to your children. It is easy to see a parent that doesn't discipline at home, and the child usually gets their own way. In public you see this child on a leash or having uncontrolled temper tantrums in a store. Why should a child listen to his/her parents at the store, church, or at a friend's house if they have been allowed to be their own authority at home?

If they haven't learned by their teenage years it will be more challenging. Nouthetic Counseling (Biblical Counseling) may be needed or possibly strategies like the conference table mentioned in my blog post Settling Disagreements. You are still giving instruction to your young adult "about his way" that will lead to the habits he/she forms as an adult. I have covered some other ideas for older kids in another blog post The Big Lie.

When dealing with your kids you need to have a plan before they disobey. If a kid is of spanking age, beyond the swat on a diaper that helps navigate a toddler, a spanking should come with a conversation with your child. The spanking should only come with direct defiance of the authority given to you by God over your child or directly defying God. When it is time for this discipline, take the child aside and discuss their behavior and what acting that way will make others think of them, including God,and where that type of behavior will lead. I usually had a repentant child at this point, and said that the spanking is a reminder that they need to behave properly. This is a big deal, so make it a big deal (a spanking done properly is not beating your child).

If a spanking doesn't work, or what is done doesn't feel like it warrants a spanking but still needs guidance, then think about what your child holds most dear and take it away. Depending on the situation, and what behavior that is being repeated, you might even throw the "precious" item away (I envision Frodo from "Lord of the Rings" here). Whatever that object is, has become an idol to your child and is a part of the problem to the behavior. The principle comes from: "If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell" (Matthew 5:29-30 ESV). Again, this is a big deal, so make it a big deal.

There was a teacher at school that kept complaining about the misuse his 14 year old daughter had with her phone. She needed it he insisted, because of all the extracurricular things she was involved with after school. His daughter was flat out disobedient with how she used it and kept charging up a phone bill. I suggested a long conversation with her, and a hammer for the phone. This phone could be replaced with a cheap version (because she needs it) that connects with mom and dad and 911. Her soul is worth more than a phone, but he didn't want to take away the social aspects the phone gave. He also didn't want to deal with the angry daughter or the cost of the phone. This was not loving his child and she was learning the way she will end up going as an adult, the one she will not part from.

Having children is an incredible blessing. The best days of my life have been since I have become a father. The responsibility of training children is huge, but it should also be incredibly rewarding. If you are having trouble with your kids, seek help from someone that honors God and that will give you practical advice. There are no examples of "terrible twos" or "teenagers" giving their parents problems in the Bible. These are things our society has invented. Bad behavior is sin. The Bible is about growing in favor with God and man.