Verbally Abusive Husband

Sometimes, relationships go in a direction that is unexpected. Most everyone agrees that physical abuse should never be tolerated, but women who are being verbally attacked or passively aggressively attacked stay with their spouse because they believe this pleases God. These are Christian women I respect dearly for holding the scriptures in such high regard. Does staying in an abusive relationship truly please God? This teaching will honor those in a challenging situation by using scripture and letting the reader prayerfully come to their own conclusions.

A pivotal scripture to why a woman will stay with a verbally abusive husband is 1 Peter 3:1-6, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. (emphasis mine) Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.” Note that the wife is not ignoring the problem or making excuses for the problem.

More than anything, the wife desires what James 5:19-20 states, “My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.” No one wants to be abused, but what other choice is there? That is what this teaching is addressing.

No one wants to be abused, but what other choice is there?

No one wants to be abused, but what other choice is there?

This discussion is not about the husband. The wife agrees that the husband is in the wrong and he is not pleasing God. The Holy Spirit changes a person who is willing and the husband is not willing. The wife wants to do what God wants her to do despite the husband’s behavior. They are adorning “the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”

As it says in Proverbs 12:19, “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Isn’t this the instruction that God is giving his people for the husband to be won over by God or healed? Yes, but the tongue of the wise is not being heard, and the only thing done is the sword thrusts into the wife. Sometimes, a separation is needed for the wise voice to be heard.

Is this a case of Proverbs 27:12, “The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it.” Or worse yet, 1 Corinthians 15:33, “Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company ruins good morals.’” How is the wife becoming more like Christ? Proverbs 29:22 says, “A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression.” This means he is causing much sin and eventually ruining his wife’s good morals.

Luke 17:1-2 states, “And he said to his disciples, ‘Temptations to sin are sure to come, but woe to the one through whom they come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea than that he should cause one of these little ones to sin.’” This is about heaven and hell and a husband in a terrible place. Even if the husband has undergone an accident or is aging and is not the same man, the scriptures must be followed.

Even if the husband has undergone an accident or is aging and is not the same man, the scriptures must be followed.

Galatians 6:7, “Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.” This means the husband is headed to hell. No wonder the wife wants to help so much. Matthew 5:21-22, “'You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.”

What can help the husband? Does the wife choose to stay and bring the husband to repentance? 1 Corinthians 5:11 mentions what a Christian is supposed to do with brother, “But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one.” Does this contradict 1 Peter 2:1-2, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” There is no contradiction; the separation from the brother, who is the husband, shows that sin is not a part of the marriage.

The Bible does give steps to follow when a believer sins against another believer; Matthew 18:15-17 tells us to talk one-on-one with the abuser, then bring two or three witnesses, and finally bring the church into the conversation. If he still doesn’t repent, he is supposed to be put a distance (like an unbeliever or a tax collector).

A wife separating herself from an abusive husband highlights the sin. It is still the husband making the decision of repentance, but the separation forces him to confront his sin. This isn’t a contradiction; this is doing what God wants. Separation does not mean divorce. As a helpmate, the wife follows Ephesians 5:11, “Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.”

(All scriptures are taken from the English Standard Version, ESV)